I was a cyclist/I am a cyclist

Ten years ago I was hit by a car when I was riding my bike.

I was accustomed to biking everywhere and had been a bike commuter for the past decade. Every other cyclist I knew had been hit, and statistically I knew it was just a matter of time before I got hit by a car.

After the accident, and a few days getting over the back pain, I got back on my bike. But I found that when I rode in the street, any vehicle that passed by me caused a wave of panic and I would have to get off the bike and walk. Eventually that came to mean putting my bike in storage indefinitely.

I got a car, and my identity radically changed from a Chicago-winter-hardened commuter cyclist to a driver.

Ten years passed.

Recently I talked to my therapist about the regrets I feel over hanging up my bike for so long. During those ten years I came down with Crohn’s disease, which meant long periods of time where exercise was basically impossible, but I didn’t even try to get back on my bike. And in doing so, I lost an important part of my identity.

My relationship to cycling is about liberation. A bicycle is a relatively affordable mode of transportation, and with a supportive community and access to tools like with a bike co-op, one can become incredibly self sufficient with a bike. I have gone on several long distance bike tours, and have never again felt the intense freedom of being able to move my body from point a to point b, as well as a tent and sleeping set up, with just food and water as my fuel. I felt like a self sustaining autonomous zone.

When I gave up cycling, I also gave up that feeling of freedom and liberation.

So I’m trying to change my thinking about my bike. I want to ride again, but on bike paths where I won’t be triggered by cars. I want to glide with the force of my own muscles. I want to feel the accomplishment of traveling 20 or 30 miles with just the power my body provides.

Now that I’m 2+ years into remission, I think it’s a good time to try conditioning myself to get back on my bike. I am not yet able to ride a long distance as my sits bones need more practice — but I went on my third ride today and doubled the distance of my last trip.

When I was younger, I thought the key element of being a bike enthusiast was enthusiasm — something spandex bandits on the bike highways of Santa Barbara, California didn’t seem to resonate with. But as I get back on my Surly Cross-Check, a bike I customized for long distance touring, I can’t help but rekindle the passion I used to feel for bikes and bike maintenance.

I want everyone to feel the same enthusiasm and autonomy I do when I hop back onto a bike after a decade of learning to overcome the trauma of an accident. New relationships and associations are possible! And we can choose to do our beloved hobbies in new and different ways that allow us to feel safe without compromising our identity, ego, or passion.